STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
