highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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