Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
