his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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