I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
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My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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