I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
