i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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