His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
