I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
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Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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