Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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