I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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