i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
