i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
