Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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