i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
