I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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