Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
