i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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