I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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