pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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