WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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