i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
