I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Soap is not a condiment
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
