drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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