I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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