Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
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I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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