Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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