Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
