So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
