So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
