Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
