I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
