if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can't turn off my feet"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
