yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
