I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
