thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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