I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
