i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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