so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
