I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize