i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
