so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
