why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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