apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
