I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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