I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
