The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
