U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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