remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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