Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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