I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
