Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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