The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
