Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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